Titillation in the tub certainly has its place when it comes to pleasure. So here’s the B.R. Lee guide to reading erotica in the bath.

BATHTIME EROTICA READING – SETTING THE SCENE

You’ve had a hard day at work. Or the hubby and kids have gone out for the afternoon leaving you with some precious time to yourself – and to make the most of. So, turn those bath taps and get the water flowing into the tub. You’ve earned it.

There’s some music playing. Perhaps from the hallway or on a carefully set up rig with the phone and some miniature speakers that sit on a wooden tray that’s draping over the bathtub. On this occasion it’s probably not pounding rock or metal, but who knows: cheesier variations could include 1970s porn soundtracks or some saxophone. Whatever floats your boat – or yellow rubber duck – is fine and dandy.

There’s some splashing of water as it is displaced in the tub from some gentle movement. Well, it’s gentle to begin with. Things will get more frenetic – but rhythmically so – as time goes by.

The lighting suits the occasion. There’s candles around the bathtub, replacing the harsh bathroom overhead light with far gentler, more intimate and wonderfully atmospheric illumination. That’s a whole lot better now, isn’t it?

You breathe in deeply and catch a warm waft of whatever bath gel you added or the scent stick slowly burning nearby. Perhaps it’s vanilla, sandalwood, musk, jasmine, ylang ylang, or patchouli. Any of those would do the trick to help get yourself in the mood for more than just mind wandering.

And for the cherry on top of all this? Perhaps you’re decadently biting onto a square or two of dark chocolate (at least 70% cocoa, so you’re benefitting from all its antioxidants and minerals). Mmm…indeed.

In short, all your senses are being taken somewhere far away from the mundaneness of everyday life – even if just for an hour or so. And as for what you’re seeing…well, that’s obvious isn’t it? It’s my delicious hot smut. Oh what a time you’ll have in the tub.

Mix all these delicious ingredients together and you have one heck of a sensory – and physical – pleasure fest just waiting to be enjoyed. I’m assuming that you know what to do next in order to leave a smile on your face for a good while afterwards.

THE ADVANTAGES OF EROTICA READING IN THE BATH

Whether you’re an enthusiastic afficionado of bawdy bathtub behaviour (or should that be misbehaviour?), or you’re contemplating it for the first time, you’re not alone. While data on solo self-pleasure in the bathroom isn’t plentiful, consider this: why do waterproof sex toys exist? There’s obviously a demand for it.

Then there’s the privacy advantages of getting up to no good in the bathtub with an erotic story. It’s the one place in a house – especially if shared – where some privacy is not only assured (assuming there’s a door lock) but generally accepted. If you’ve got flatmates, family members, or even worse, roommates, the bathroom becomes an invaluable sexual sanctuary. Nobody bats an eyelid if you’re taking a bath and you’re gone for a while.

So whether you’re all alone or with a lover, your bathroom can be the setting for all sorts of fun. (Confession time: the bathtub was where I first popped my cunnilingual cherry). Add an incendiary erotic story to the proceedings and you’re good to go.

WHAT’S NEEDED FOR YOUR BATHTIME EROTICA READING SESSION?

So, you fancy having a raunchy read in the tub? If it was up to me, you’d be getting your mitts on the following things to make those suds sexier than ever. Notepad at the ready? Good.

• The smut: well of course I’m going to recommend my own. Click here to take you to my stories on Amazon.
• Bath tray: you’ll want one of these draped over your tub so you can optimally position your other bits and bobs, especially your Kindle or tablet. Check this one out, for instance.
• Remote control: having to reach forward to tap your tablet or Kindle screen every time you want to turn the page, while you’re ‘in the zone’ isn’t fun. Talk about tech-us interruptus. So, get your hands on a remote control that will turn your digital pages with a click and let you remain relaxed, reclined… and rhythmic. Just don’t drop it into the tub.
• Bath scents: of course you know who I’m going to talk about, especially if you follow me on X. Who else but Molton Brown. Given the amount of times I mention them on X or show their wares (sometimes accompanied by one or both of my thighs in the shower – as one does) I really should be on commission from them, but I digress. For any chaps reading, I’d recommend Tobacco Absolute or Dark Leather without hesitation. For a more sensual aroma, and one that I think works for whoever is in the tub, I’d opt for the Relaxing Ylang-Ylang but with a plethora of scents to choose from, others may tickle your fancy more. Flora Luminare and Heavenly Gingerlily are two others I can definitely recommend for dunking oneself into. MB provide not only shower/bath gels but scented candles and reed diffusers. Feel free to go crazy.
• Waterproof sex toys: there’s plenty of options for you to consider, so will let you do your own due diligence to work out what floats your boat (or satisfies your submarine?) in this department.
• And something for the real bathtub hedonist: in my cum-prehensive (cough) research on this topic, I discovered another gadget that might just make waves in your own tub where it counts. It’s Lovability’s Waterslyde, a bath faucet attachment made from medical grade high pressure polystyrene that requires you to do very little aside from manoeuvring yourself into the appropriate position then lying back and…well, you can imagine…as the water hits the spot in all the right ways. I can’t vouch for it, but worth a look.
• Other handy accessories: Along with the above, don’t forget the likes of a facecloth to quickly dry off any spillages (or to effectively blindfold yourself), a bunch of tealights or other candles around your tub and window ledge, and a large glass of grapes (in liquid form) for good measure: Chilean or Argentinian Malbec would be my first choice. And don’t forget the bar of dark chocolate.

READY TO GRAB YOUR TABLET AND START RUNNING THE BATH? JUST HOLD ON A MINUTE.

I applaud your enthusiasm to grab your tablet, Kindle or phone and head to the bathroom to get the taps running. But it would be remiss of me to just let you head off without a few cautionary words. Normally, I’d just assume that you’ve got enough common sense between your ears and to wish you the best of bad behaviour and let you go on your way.

But we need to talk safe sex. And not in the usual context.

I’m assuming that your choice of sexual partners and condom use are already taken care of. What I’m referring to is situational. Wet feet, wet surfaces and sexual athleticism are not the threesome you want. A 2023 survey by a bathroom company revealed that over 80% of respondents had experienced a slip in the shower. And I’m betting that the majority weren’t involved in some x-rated antics either. So you can appreciate why I’m advocating indulging while lying in the bath than standing up in the shower.

But be careful when getting in and out of your bathtub. You’re also wet of foot which makes it all too easy to come a cropper by slipping on the floor and smacking your head against all sorts of hard surfaces (think bathtubs or flooring) and edges. This perhaps pertains more to joint sexcapades with another person than solo fun but just beware all the same. Move at the speed of a geriatric – and with the same amount of caution.

THAT COVERS THE GETTING IN AND GETTING OUT OF THE BATH – WHAT ABOUT THE GETTING OFF?

Two final – but obvious – points to consider are worth repeating. First of all, cleanliness. Make sure all your taps, faucets, plugholes, bathtub surfaces, and the like are all spick and span, hygiene-wise. If any of these places are going anywhere near your nether regions, then you owe it to yourself to have them in spotless condition.

Finally, and I’m really, really hoping that you’ve already remembered this. Tablets, Kindles, and phones are not to be connected to any electrical current while they’re anywhere near a bath or shower. Basic science lesson: water and electricity aren’t conducive to longevity of life. And if you need told this, you probably shouldn’t be in charge of any household device without supervision. Make sure your device is adequately charged before bringing it into the bathroom. And yes, don’t drop it in the tub either.

OKAY, NOW YOU CAN INDULGE.

So, there you go. When you’ve had a bitch of a day or want to take advantage of some rare alone time, head to the bath with some quality erotica (yep, that’s where I come in, remember) and enjoy yourself in the best ways. You probably deserve it, right?